November 12, 2018
It's no secret we sometimes disagree with family and friends. What seems secret is how to handle it when we do! Living Room Conversations specializes in structuring challenging conversations so they are safe and enjoyable using Conversation Agreements and Conversation Guides.
Wouldn't it be great if we could talk to family and friends as respectfully as people in Living Room Conversations talk to strangers? We realized it could be useful to share our Conversation Agreements more broadly for the holidays. They are good to keep in mind for kinder dinner-table conversations. True, others may not be following the Conversation Agreements but sometimes good practices can be contagious and you can have the satisfaction of feeling better about your own part in the conversation.
Listening is powerful. It doesn't mean you agree. Just giving someone your full attention is a valuable gift. People rarely change their beliefs in a conversation, but people often expand understanding through conversation. Focus on learning and sharing rather than debating or convincing. To do so you can:
● Generous listening. Listen deeply, without an intention to respond, refute, or defend. Just listen.● Assume good intent. Give the person the benefit of the doubt.● Genuine curiosity. Show curiosity by asking questions and learning more about the person’s life experiences that have shaped their perspective.● Respectful engagement. Showing respect and kindness can diffuse a great deal of tension and it’s often contagious.
● Insults or name-calling. Using unflattering names or making derogatory remarks about people that the other person cares about (including political leaders) are fighting words.● Overgeneralizing. Beware of using words like “you always” and “you never." They are seldom true, and these words tend to feel attacking.● Leading questions. Steer clear of asking questions designed to “trap” the person or lead them to a pre-determined answer you want to hear.● Talking more than listening. It is rare to make progress on understanding a different perspective while doing the majority of the talking.● Facts, figures, and data-points. Few things shut down a good conversation faster than cold, hard, facts...and alternative facts! Focus on concerns and experiences rather than data.
● Set the stage. Establish your interest in an enjoyable, productive conversation rather than a debate or argument.● Listen for values and desired outcomes. Most of us have core values that overlap (health, safety, prosperity). Identifying these can help strengthen the relationship.● Verify and acknowledge feelings. Ask about, and seek to understand what the other person is feeling about the topic. They may have very personal experiences that shape their perspective. Be aware of these feelings and acknowledge them.● Use humor, if possible. Be willing to laugh at yourself when and where appropriate. Humor can lighten the mood and make the conversation enjoyable.● First-person language. Own your feelings and express them as “I felt ______(feeling) when you ______ (describe specific behavior and when it occurred). For example, “I felt frustrated when you said I was unrealistic this morning.”● Explore and reflect rather than disagree directly. For example, starting sentences with “I am wondering….” can be very productive if it is sincere.● Find common ground. Look for and acknowledge areas of agreement.● Use engaging language. See how often you can replace "but" with "and"● Ask open-ended questions. This allows others to think out loud and may offer a better path for understanding their perspective.● Keep a light tone. When judgment creeps in, your tone will give you away! If this happens, own it, apologize and ask another question.
Families know where all the buttons are. What happens if you get triggered? Avoid responding when you know you are triggered and feel yourself being defensive and/or needing to be right. Sometimes, letting go of the conversation is the best course of action. A break for a short walk or new activity or change of subject can help restore equanimity.
Try the following to change the direction of a conversation and/or mend a conversation that has turned destructive:
● Let's change the topic. Tell me, how is your garden (or another hobby)?● This is a heated conversation. Our relationship is more important to me.● I feel bad when we argue. Let's stop for now.● I'm sorry we argued. I care about you.● Our relationship will always be more important to me than our differences.
When we stand in self-righteous anger, i.e. “how can you believe THAT?” we find ourselves separated. Some people -- including family members -- would prefer to be right than to be connected.
Sometimes we see family as a reflection of ourselves. We may feel an obligation to make them see "the error of their ways." And we may want to be clear that we are not flawed in that way, too. It can be much harder to avoid judging and remain curious with family--even when we know this is the most effective way for us to connect with them.
With family, not arguing and not pushing back can feel like a betrayal of our own beliefs. It can feel like selling out just to keep peace at the dinner table. But listening with genuine curiosity is not selling out or taking the easy road. There is deep value in taking a more respectful and curious approach. When we connect in this way mutual listening is far more possible. And remember: again and again we hear from Living Room Conversation Guide users who have friends and family with very different views that love comes first. Let's let it!
Some family and friends may not be ready for a thoughtful conversation and that is perfectly ok. At Living Room Conversation we choose conversation partners based upon their ability -- and commitment - to abide by the conversation agreements and enjoy an exploratory conversation. At a holiday gathering, you may be the only person following conversation agreements. Choosing who to engage with, in what setting, and at what level is wise. For some people listening might be the only thing you want to do with them…moving on to others where you believe some mutual curiosity and appreciation might be productive. Also, recognize that a family gathering might be a place where some topics are simply not welcome.
Be gentle with yourself and others. Sometimes the simple act of breaking bread together is enough.
This article was adapted from Living Room Conversations. View the complete Friends & Family Conversation Guide here.
The BEingWELL Team
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